
Ramblings of a Retired Mind
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones
that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So,
I'm wearing my garage door opener.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people
didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on
beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still
have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'
I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it
"Pumping Rust."
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is
falling into your drawers!
I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have
you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case
of an emergency.' I think you should write , "A Good Doctor!"
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do.. write to these men? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
I've come to realize that the secret to a happy life is not looking
like Barbie or Ken and suffering through tofu and rice cakes to stay
that way! It's eating chocolate, staying chunky, and explaining that you're really a perfect size 6, but you keep it covered with fat so it doesn't get scratched!
Just once, when someone says "How are you" (without really wanting
to know), I'd like to say "Well, I can't keep my teeth in, I wet on
myself every time I laugh, my hair is falling out, I cannot see where the heck I'm going most of the time, my back hurts, and I pass gas every time I sneeze (and feel like sneezing right now)! I'll bet that'd cure 'em from asking again!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
