Marriage (Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
After the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
When I want with my old buddies, and don't you
Give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
Here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************************
Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary !

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
That reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
That reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
Good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
Decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband
Says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
Wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home
And wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts
At the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
Shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

*****************************************

God may have created man before woman, but there
Is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

************** ***************************

Another Saturday, and yes friends, more rain.....

Poor Hubby has not been able to play golf in ages. The course is so wet, and they have closed it again.

Funny, this time last year we were in a drought!

Life is funny, is'nt it? You never know from one season to another what it will bring.....In life some Rain must fall. Right?

Pray you are happy, healthy and enjoying some SUN!!!!

Love you,
Heide

My darling grandson looking out the garage at the rain, that keeps coming down in our neck of the woods.....

Poor Baby...All he wants is to play outside....Ron this is for you....

Soooo Momma says, "it's not lightening, go ahead and play in the rain little man"........

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
>An elderly Floridian called 911 on her
>cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical
>as
>she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo,
>the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
>The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes
>later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the
>back-seat by mistake."

>_______________________________________
>"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
>Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March
>day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man
>replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have
>a beer."

>_______________________________________
>
>LITTLE LADY:
>A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
>home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
>"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her
>gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and
>finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

>______________________________________
>DRIVING:
>Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
>over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
>intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
>The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
>could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
>minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
>Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost
>sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was
>losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection,
>sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to
>the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through
>three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
>
>Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"
>

LIFE IN THE 1500s


The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water
temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to
be. Here are some facts about the1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in
May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting
to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.

The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then
all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.
Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could
actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out
with the Bath water.

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the
cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it
rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall
off the roof. Hence the saying. It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This
posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a
sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy
beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would
get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on
floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added
more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start
slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence
the saying a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that
always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things
to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They
would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in
it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas
porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days
old.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would
cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew
the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content
caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning
death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400
years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of
the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the
upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would
sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking
along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the
family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they
would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the
bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these
coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the
inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they
would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lea d it through the
coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would
have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to
listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was
considered a ...dead ringer.

And that's the truth. Now, whoever said History was boring ! !

A Gift.....

The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old.

I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old.
Upon seeing my reaction, he was immediately embarrassed, but
I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder
it, and let him know.

Growing Older, I decided, is a gift.
I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I
have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair
over my body ... the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the cellulite.
And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my
mirror, but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my
loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly.
As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical
of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for
eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying
that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avant
garde on my patio. I am entitled to be messy, to be extravagant,
to smell the flowers.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon;
before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer
until 4.am and then sleep until -- ?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50's , 60"s, 70's, 80's and even 90's and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love... I will.........

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a
bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to,
despite the pitying glances from the bikini set. They, too, will get
old. (if they're lucky)

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But then again, some of life
is just as well forgotten and I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your
heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or
even when a beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what g ive
us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken
is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray,
and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves
on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before
their hair could turn silver.

I can say "no," and mean it.
I can say "yes." and mean it.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less
about what other people think; I don't question myself anymore.
I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being older. It has set me free.
I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever,
but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could
have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert
every single day... (if I want).

Today, I wish you a day of ordinary miracles.
Love simply...
Love generously...
Care deeply...
Speak kindly...
And,
Leave the rest to God